Know your boundaries

I love summer, and I love swimming (there’s lots to look forward to!).

One of my favourite things to do in the warmer weather is to swim in an outdoor pool on a beautiful sunny day. Crystal-like water, no sand to worry about, and no bitey things lurking in the water. I don't even have to get a toe wet and I can find out the depth, water temperature and water quality. It's pretty clear what I'm getting myself into.

So, before you dive into anything, are you clear about what you're getting yourself into? 

And I'm talking about ANY aspect of your life, not just when it comes to swimming!

Are you aware of your boundaries and do you know when they’re crossed?

Do your family, friends and colleagues know what your boundaries are?

Do you protect them? Or, do you automatically override them?

Can you confidently say 'No, thanks', or 'Hell, yeah!', even when your preference is not the popular choice? 

This is such an important area of our lives that is seriously undervalued, overlooked and never taught.

Brené Brown, one of the world's leading researchers on shame and vulnerability, who delivered one of the most watched TED talks of all time (and for good reason!), has shown that if you have well-defined and well-respected boundaries you are more likely to show more compassion, self-love and self-respect.

You're kinder and happier.

You're not strung out anxious, resentful, bitter or twisted.

You're not caught up in the blame game, feeling used, mistreated, angry or exhausted.

You feel powerful and in control. 

If you're struggling to define your boundaries and feel like you're drowning in resentment and bitterness (and this can surface as we bring families together at Christmas!), she's got these tips for you:

1. Look inwards.

You don't judge people when you feel good about yourself, so, how can you take responsibility for your feelings and the situation you're in? 

For example, did you say 'yes' to something that you really wanted to say 'no' to but guilt, shame or fear made you say 'yes'.

2. Accept that people are doing the best they can.

If you're judging someone, look at the situation through a positive lens.

Remember that people could have all kinds of messy stuff going on in their lives and how they're behaving around you is about them, not you. Don't take the situation personally.

* This is a BIG one to get. Sit with this one and practice it. Think about a situation that is not going well. What would change if you believed that the other person involved was doing the best that they can?

3. Don't take the easy option, run away and bury your head in the deckchair to avoid having a difficult conversation about boundaries and accountability. It's only going to fester in the heat!

Sure, you may need to be brave and vulnerable, but it will be worthwhile. 

4. Ask for what you need and expect to be respected.

You're entitled to ask.

And you're absolutely worth it.

This is the one that most women find the most challenging.

5. Hold people accountable for what they're actually doing.

Don't get caught up in what you think and expect people 'should' do. This includes holding yourself accountable! Which is much easier to do when you have boundaries! 

See what opens up for you when you set clear boundaries and follow them.

You'll be swimming along in no time! 

x Penny

ps. There’s so much more to this that I’ve discovered since writing and publishing this blog in 2018!

We talked about Boundaries in my Goddess Gatherings recently. In that we explored The Wheel of Consent, a brilliant tool that helps to clarify and understand boundaries. It’s an amazing way to explore and teach boundaries in a relationship. Something our children could be taught as young adults! If you’re interested in talking about topics that we generally ignore and don’t explore, and do it with open minded sisters, you might like to join me for fortnightly Goddess Gatherings on Zoom early next year. Register your interest and I’ll work out dates with you in mind.Together we share and explore topics that aren’t talked about!

pps. Brené Brown's books 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and 'Rising Strong' were the inspo and source for this post. Check out her books if you haven't already. They're gold.

Photo by Marc-Antoine Roy