Sharing my shame
‘We expect you to perform up here’.
Her hand was above her head, flapping at the end of her outstretched arm.
‘And you’re down here’.
This time her hand was down low. In her lap.
My heart was beating fast, pounding in my ears.
My stomach had dropped out of my body, plonked on the floor and begun churning.
My hands were clammy and my mind had stalled. I felt like I’d been yanked into another dimension.
What was happening?
I mean, THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING. Not to ME.
I’m a good girl. I always turn up. I work HARD. I put in 110%.
I’m the sucker that reads work materials in my time off on weekends.
I never complain when everyone else does. I never say ‘No’.
I do the shitty jobs, like empty the dishwasher, when everyone else has left the office.
I bake gourmet cakes for the team for their birthdays.
I never take sick leave. I fix problems that aren’t my problems.
This was meant to be my dream job. WTF.
But the next bit was worse.
‘We need you to perform up here, and we just don’t think you can. We don’t think YOU can bridge the gap.’
Tears welled up in my eyes.
Please No.
Not tears in front of these women.
Holy shit. They’re going to push me out. This is it.
I had to save face, so my good girl kicked into gear. I went into perfect employee, fix-it mode.
I accepted all their feedback. Who knows what that was.
I said I was sorry for any misunderstandings.
I acknowledged that there were things that I hadn’t done well.
I asked what they would like me to do.
I grovelled and was super nice.
But I was crushed.
Shocked. Humiliated. Embarrassed. And scared.
My ‘I’m not enough’ wound had been slashed open and doused in their acidic, blunt and unexpected feedback.
The next few days were a blur.
I remember feeling incredible love and support from Josh, my Mum and Dad, and my beautiful friend Sophie, who picked me up from the train station that day (she’s one of those friends who knows when you’re in a freakin’ hot mess). I could tell them what had happened.
They didn’t see me as stupid.
But geez, I felt SO exposed and stupid.
How could I get it so wrong?
I was 40, I’d only started this job 6 months earlier, and I was dumb enough to think everything was going well.
I resigned. Not that I had any other option, although I could possibly have leant on the law.
For the next few weeks I sat with my shame and got to see that this painful situation was a gift.
If it hadn’t been so awful, I wouldn’t have been forced to act or reflect on what had happened.
It allowed me to see that the job had never been right for me. And if I’d been honest with myself, it never was.
I’d fallen in love with the idea of the job, not the work itself. It was those few weeks that allowed me to reconnect with what was important to me, rediscover my passion for helping people to express themselves, and listen to my heart.
I gave myself the go ahead to spend more time with my elderly Dad, find and surround myself with incredible, nurturing, uplifting people, and to express my creativity. I did that, and haven’t looked back.
A few months later Always In Your Corner, my first foray into the online world, was born.
So that’s me shining the light on shame.
We could all do it more. Shame’s another one of those taboo topics that we’re afraid to talk about.
But as Brené Brown says, shame cannot survive being spoken. The more we talk about it, the less control it has over our lives.
Her research shows that you can build your Shame resilience.
You can stand up to shame and deal with the shame storm when you have these four tools in your kit:
Know your triggers. Know when you’re most vulnerable and likely to come face to face with your shame gremlins. Know that you don't have to experience trauma to feel shame. And shame isn’t only hidden deep in your darkest closet. It hangs out in common areas such as your appearance, family, parenting, work, education, age or religion. It shows up wherever you fear being unloveable, unworthy or not enough. It’s paralysing. And personal. It shows up differently for different people.
Share it - Take away it’s power when you tell your story. Pick up the phone, text a friend, share what’s happened. Say what you need, tell people how you’re feeling.
Surround yourself with people you trust and won’t judge you. Sit with people who feel with you and show empathy. They don’t need to have been through what you’re going through. they just need to be able to put themselves in your shoes and see it from your perspective.
Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. What do you say to a loved one that is hurting or in pain? This is what you must say to yourself. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your 3 year old self. With compassion, empathy and love.
Wherever you feel shame, share your story, surround yourself with love and empathy and shine the light on it so it can’t survive.
Let's speak up and starve our shame.
x Penny
ps. The audiobook I listened to was, Men, Women and Worthiness by Brené Brown and it’s only a few hours and totally worth a listen, especially if you’re interested in this topic and like listening to podcasts in the car or while walking!
It's totally free and you won't need a credit card if it is your first time accepting an Audible book from a friend. After you accept the book, you will be prompted to download the Audible app to start listening.
pps. If you got something from this, maybe you know someone else who would too. Encourage them to sign up to my emails at discoveryourwild.com.au (they’ll get the 5 life-changing secrets that I think every woman needs to know when they do!). Thanks. x
Repost: first published on Always In Your Corner in Oct 2018, updated 11/11/20.
Photo by Zohre Memati
