The Parenting Pose
I've been in the job for over 16 years. (and it's the longest one I've held, by about 11 years!)
It's the wildest, craziest, most satisfying role that I've ever had.
It's physically, emotionally, socially, and mentally challenging - sometimes all at once.
I'm always on call. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Yet, despite the responsibility and commitment required to parent another precious soul, there was no need for qualifications, training or reference checks.
Josh and I had the freedom to accept advice, draw on our own experiences and parents for inspiration, trust our instincts and intuition, and seek support, ideas and inspiration from friends on the same parenting path with us.
I never sought out advice from books, coaches or courses. Together we've worked it out and adjusted to the changes that come with every year and milestone.
We've stumbled and picked ourselves up. Failed (whatever that is) and no doubt f*cked them up.
But that's ok, and very normal, according to Dr Shafali. (*sigh of relief*)
If you're wondering who Dr Shafali is, she's an American Clinical Psychologist and New York Times Best selling author of ‘The Conscious Parent’, ‘The Awakened Family’, and ‘A Radical Awakening’.
She's A-mazing, and I think you'd love her work, if you don't already! I recently shared a poem she wrote in her book, A Radical Awakening, in my email about International Women's Day.
Last week I was fortunate to be gifted a last minute ticket to see her talk as part of her Conscious Parent tour.
It was a call out to everyone - parenting is NOT about the child. It's ALL about the parent!
The problems you think you have because of your children are actually because of YOU! Parents are the problem!
I'd heard and understood the saying that children are our biggest teachers. Well, Dr Shafali took this to the next level and didn't hold back! She invited everyone to destroy the dysfunctional parts of ourselves so there could be new growth and an evolution in our parenting.
She explained that she doesn't give parenting workshops and tell parents what to ‘do’. She doesn't provide strategies, rather, she invites parents to make a shift at their belief level and to explore their relationship with their ego.
Her talk was inspiring, courageous, bold and confronted our current parenting paradigm.
It is the shake-up parents need, and I want to share with you. Here are my takeaways and the truthbombs that I deciphered from my scribbled notes!
To be a Conscious parent is to look within and always ask, “What part of me is showing up now?”. To recognise that our parenting paradigm has been based on control, fear, manipulation and guilt.
As parents we unwittingly carry psychological pain and emotional shit from our childhood, and our ancestral linage, that we then pass onto our children.
We falsely believe that our role is to raise our children, teach them what we know, and to help them to ‘be happy’ and ‘successful’.
Ever since we were children, we've been driven by seeking approval and love.
We are ALL slaves to external approval. Everything we do is for approval.
How thirsty are you for approval?
Are you aware that your love for others comes with conditions, and there are limits to what you'll accept?
We learned this from our parents. We discovered that their love for us was conditional. We had to behave a certain way, do certain things, become someone they wanted, in order to receive their love.
When we understand this and own it, we have freedom and choice around it and can free our children from the shame of these patterns.
By acknowledging and viewing guilt, shame and fear with compassion, we can free ourselves and our children from the restrictive paradigm.
Parents have a mass delusion of grandeur, superiority and control over their children.
Our expectations and desires for our children are driven by our need for approval. But seriously, who are we to expect anything of another human being?
What makes us think we know best? Did we believe our parents knew best?
Control is an illusion, life is uncontrollable!
As parents, we need to understand that we see our children through the lens of our projections. It is only when we let go of our baggage will we see the essence and truth of our child's soul.
We need to shatter our expectations and see our children for who they are and connect to them AS they are.
Our children are born as VERY unique, pure, unADULTerated humans and then we slap on a long list of items that they must prescribe to.
We're worried that if we don't interfere, teach and control our child, they will go off the rails, do something radical, and we'll be judged by our parents, friends, community and society.
Parents need to stop being martyrs and sacrificing themselves so their children can ‘be happy’.
We're putting a whole lot of restrictions and pressure on them. They grow up feeling stifled, guilty, and like a failure.
There is a huge price to pay when we want our kids to be happy.
How do you measure happiness anyway? It's meaningless, and is a set up for unhappiness!
When we feel like our children are unhappy, we feel like we've failed and feel scared and out of control. That leads us to numb the pain and avoid it at any cost. Whenever we see our children in pain we fix it. We offer them food - think of the times you've offered your children a sweet treat when they've been upset!
We give them the message that big feelings - sadness, upset etc - are taboo and to be hidden.
Our role is to be an ally, guide and to befriend their soul and essence - who they really are, not who you/society want them to be.
It's a myth that a good parent raises a successful child. What is success anyway? Smart, good grades, athletic, confident, rich, popular, musical etc? Notice what you desire for your children!
We're led to believe that it's ok if our life is a poor sorry mess if we're raising a ‘successful' child.
When you are witness to a tantrum or bad behaviour, know that it is an attempt to regain control. Don't take it personally. Enquire, how can you help them? What do they need to feel safe?
Children lie because they fear they will lose something if they tell the truth. They have to feel safe, consistently, before they will tell the truth. And there can't be a power differential. You need to be an equal. Acknowledge the courage it takes to tell the truth. Think about how uncomfortable it is tell the truth in some situations!
When we give our children phones and screen devices, it's the equivalent of giving them crack cocaine. We have given our children a highly addictive drug and then we're surprised when they want it, and get nasty when they can't have it.
Phones and devices need boundaries as they sever connection. We need to amplify connection, to make the time we have together amazing. We need to stand firm, as we would with more obvious addictive substances.
She invited us to:
Get to know who our children are and to tailor our lives around them. If they want our attention, why are we not prioritising our lives to give it to them?
Accept reality and who we are, as we are
Surrender it all
Choose to commit to our children by committing to ourselves
create a new way of living
ask ourselves in the mornings “What would a conscious parent do today?”
If you're not a parent, all these pearls of wisdom can be applied to any relationship and highlight how priceless self awareness, self love and compassion can be in your life.
I hope they give you a new, empowering lens to look through.
With love
x Penny
ps. I first came across Dr Shafali when I was sent a link to listen to her talk about Conscious Parenting on Oprah's podcast, Super Soul Conversations. It was a revelation, and her approach made so much sense to me. It's a goodie to get an intro to her ideas and approach.
pps. It was a real treat to host a special Mothers' Day Tea Ceremony and Garden Celebration last Saturday with Jen, together as The Alive Woman, and we were delighted to receive this feedback:
“I thought everything was perfect from the fire ceremony to our meditation during the tea ceremony. The games and opportunity to have fun and enjoy being around all the amazing sisters, perfect intimate setting. Thank you for organising was great to meet new sisters. Looking forward to the next one” ❤️❤️
“I’m still on a high from today, it was such a beautiful, grounding experience.I loved the contrast between the stillness of the tea ceremony and the fun craziness of the dress up game. You really did think of everything.I wouldn’t change a thing! I would have loved to get to know each of you a little better but there will be plenty of time for that at future events. 💕I feel so blessed to have found this group. 🥰 Sending love and light to you all xx”
“I loved today. The nature and calm space setting was beautiful. I liked the mix between the various activities, time to reflect, time to chat, time to share. Food was so lovely. Walking away with a learning, intention etc was special. It was a special time of awareness. It’s the open and warm people that make it.”
