Rewriting the rules: Midlife, intimacy & the truth we’re afraid to say

May 8

This article was first published as a blog on the Shame Free Sex website

A few years ago, I found myself quietly grieving something I didn’t yet have words for.

I’d been married for 18 years. With my partner for 26.
From the outside, it looked steady. Loving. Safe.
But inside, I was aching – not just for more sex, but for more connection, more aliveness, more truth between us.

At first, I did what many of us do – I turned inward.
I studied relationships. I learnt better communication. I did the work.
I told myself I could fix it if I just showed up more, expressed myself better, became more responsible, more accommodating, more understanding.

But what I hadn’t done… was be honest.
Not fully.

I hadn’t told him the whole truth about what I needed.
Because underneath my commitment was a quiet fear:
What if I told him everything and it was too much?
What if he walked away? Or worse – stayed, but didn’t try?
What if he wasn’t right for me?

So I kept parts of me tucked away – my desires, my unmet needs, my longing for deeper intimacy – until I couldn’t anymore.

And then I told him.

I told him I wasn’t satisfied.
That I wanted more from our connection.
That I wanted him to tell me why he was content with an unsatisfying quagmire.
I told him we needed to see someone who could help us speak honestly to each other – not from blame, but from love.

Since July last year, we’ve been seeing a couples counsellor.
Fortnightly. Consistently. Openly.

And it’s changed everything.

We’ve rediscovered the love we had – and we’ve rekindled it.
There’s more understanding now.
We can tell the truth to each other. And be seen.
Really seen.

Not just for who we’ve been, but for who we’re becoming – together.

It hasn’t been easy. But we’re both working at it.
It’s an investment we’re willing to make – because we’re worth it.
This relationship is worth it.
And so is the kind of intimacy we now know is possible.

The Rules We Were Taught – And Why They’re Due for a Rewrite

Most of us were handed a script when it came to relationships.

A set of unspoken rules passed down through generations, absorbed from fairytales, rom-coms, and outdated social norms.

Rules like:

Once you find “the one,” you’re set for life
Good relationships mean no conflict
Your partner should automatically know what you need
If you’re with your true love, sex should always be hot
After a certain age, sex becomes dull, routine or irrelevant
Intimacy means physical closeness – not necessarily emotional depth
Speaking up about what you want is risky (or selfish, or too much)
If you’re unhappy, there’s something wrong with you – and you need to fix yourself

These messages don’t just shape how we show up in relationships –
They shape how we see ourselves.
They teach us to stay silent, to pretend it’s perfect, to put everyone else first, and call it love.
They convince us to second-guess our needs, suppress our desires, and believe that wanting more makes us the problem.

But what if your longing is not a flaw – it’s a compass?
It’s not you that needs fixing – it’s the rules.

Rewriting the Rules – What Intimacy Can Look Like in Midlife

Midlife isn’t a breakdown.
It’s a revelation.

It’s the moment we realize we don’t have to keep following rules that weren’t written with our bodies, our desires, or our truth in mind.

And when it comes to relationships and intimacy?
It’s time to redefine what connection actually means – and who we’re allowed to be inside it.

Here’s what rewriting the rules has looked like for me:

From silence to honesty – learning to say the things I was once too afraid to admit, even to myself
From duty to others to devotion to self – shifting from keeping everyone else happy to allowing what I actually want to matter
From guessing to asking – because no one is a mind reader, and our needs deserve to be spoken out loud
From managing to meeting – letting go of control and allowing both of us to show up, fully
From shutting down emotions to expressing them clearly – no longer bottling things up, but choosing to share my feelings with intention, care, and power
From being chosen to choosing – consciously staying, day by day, because I want to, not because I have to

You don’t need to leave a relationship to rewrite the rules –
but you do need to leave behind the version of yourself that stays silent, shrinks, or sacrifices for the sake of someone else’s comfort.

You can redefine intimacy on your terms.

That might mean: