Midlife & Sex: What we were never taught, and why it’s time to Bring Sexy Back

This article was first published on the Shame Free Sex Website.

Have you ever thought about where you got your sex education?

Was it a children’s cartoon book like ‘Where Did I Come From? 

The advice section of a teen magazine? (In Australia, nearly every girl turned to ‘Dolly Doctor’) 

The sealed section of *Cosmo* or *Cleo*, with articles like “10 Tricks to Blow His Mind in Bed”?

Like most women our age, you may’ve been left to piece it together on your own

Our parents were often the default sex educators – but they were struggling with their own experience of silence, shut down, shame and confusion. They were doing their best with what they had.

And to be fair, so much of the information we now know about female pleasure and arousal has only come to light in the last two decades. 

When we were growing up, that research didn’t exist. 

There was no internet, no Instagram, no understanding of the full map of our pleasure potential.

And now, here we are – decades later – navigating midlife, hormones, changing bodies, and a world that still isn’t talking about the kind of sex that actually nourishes us.

Why Sex Isn’t Even on Your Radar

You’re not alone if you’ve forgotten what it feels like to enjoy sex.

Between career demands, caregiving, emotional load, and perimenopausal shifts, sex often gets pushed so far down the list it falls off entirely. When you're constantly in service to others – or just flat-out exhausted – pleasure can feel like a luxury you don’t have time for.

And if sex has felt performative, disconnected, or like something you “should” be doing, it makes sense that you’ve distanced yourself from it – urgh, who wants to do anything that feels like a hassle or hard work.

But what if that disconnection isn’t because something’s wrong with you… What if it’s because you were never shown how to make it yours?

What We Were Taught About Sex (and Why It’s Time to Unlearn It)

We’ve been conditioned to believe that sex is:

- Penetrative – and all the so-called “foreplay” doesn’t really count. Seriously? That’s the best bit! Often the most important part for us is treated like the warm-up act. (That’s a whole other article…)
- Fast – especially if your reference points are movies or TV shows where it’s all ripped clothes and wall slams. No time for connection, communication, consent, or even a condom.
- Orgasm-focused – as in, if there’s no orgasm, it “doesn’t count” or is seen as a fail. We end up missing all the deliciousness in the in-between moments because we’re chasing the fireworks.
- Centred around someone else’s pleasure – where the focus is on what we’re doing for someone, rather than opening to and allowing ourselves to receive.
- An unwritten obligation in relationships – the unspoken idea that if you’re partnered, you “should” be having sex regularly to keep them happy. That pressure kills desire quicker than any hormonal shift.
- Better with someone else (especially if there’s a penis involved) – as if there’s a hierarchy of what “real” sex is, and solo sex or sex between vulva-owners doesn’t quite measure up. In truth, the best kind of sex is whatever feels good, honours your body, and works for you – with or without a partner, and with or without toys.

What No One Told Us About Prioritising Our Own Pleasure

We were never told how good it could be to centre our own pleasure.

Not performative sex. Not duty sex. Not “just get it over with” sex.

I’m talking about the kind of pleasure that starts from within – in your own body, for your own joy. The kind that reawakens you. Grounds you. Softens you. Lights you up.

The kind that leaves you glowing – not because you ticked some box or met someone else’s needs, but because you came home to yourself.

And when you prioritise that kind of pleasure? That’s the entry point. That’s the beginning of mind-blowing sex – whatever that looks like for you.

It might be soft and slow. It might be loud and wild. It might be solo, sacred, partnered, playful – or all of the above.

The point is: your pleasure is the destination.

And here’s the part we were never taught: Focusing on your pleasure – especially your sexual pleasure – isn’t selfish. It’s powerful. When you give yourself permission to explore what turns you on and allow your body to respond, you awaken systems that have been lying dormant.

Pleasure releases feel-good hormones. It boosts vitality, energy, and clarity. It brings perspective. It reconnects you to your sensual intelligence – the parts of you that were born to feel, receive, and express. It’s not just about the clitoris or orgasm (although those are welcome too!) – it’s about acknowledging every erogenous, powerful part of your body that deserves attention.

Start Bringing Sexy Back – Today

You don’t need a partner, a free weekend, or a sex goddess alter ego to begin. You just need a little curiosity – and permission to put yourself first.

Ask yourself, or reflect on the question: “What helps me to feel sexy, alive and connected to my body?”

Then choose one small action to bring that feeling closer. You could:

- Wear something that feels sensual and beautiful on your skin – even under your trackies
- Adorn yourself with something that lights you up – it could be a piece of jewellery, clothing you’ve been saving for a special occasion (what if every day is a special occasion?), or a lipstick, headband, hat or handbag
- Tune into your senses – light a candle or put essential oils in a diffuser, dim the lights, select songs that turn you on, and move your body to the beat and the sounds – in the way that feels right for your body, for your body and no one else
- Say no to something that drains you and yes to something that lights you up
- Explore sensual touch – just for you, no pressure
- Spend five minutes with your hand on your heart or belly, simply listening
- Reframe self-pleasure as sacred, nourishing, and entirely your own

This isn’t about doing it “right.” It’s about starting. Because sexy isn’t something you perform. It’s something you remember.

Midlife Isn’t the End – It’s the Reclamation

If sex has been off the table, this is your reminder: You’re not too old. You’re not too far gone. You’re not broken.

You’ve just been living by someone else’s story – and now it’s time to write your own.

Because pleasure isn’t a luxury – it’s your power source. 

And you, gorgeous woman, are allowed to want more.